I feel like a complete emotional klutz right now; totally useless for helping make a hard situation any better. My friend has been trying for weeks to get together with me but things just keep coming up. Today she (I thought sort of stubbornly) insisted that we use work time to hang out for an hour and catch up over brown bag lunch. Well, with awful house stuff happening like sewage floods in the basement and rat frenzies on the back porch, I just have not had a good memory for details so I forgot to pack a lunch. And I was fine with just meeting and not eating myself.

But she thought maybe we could drive back to the intern house even after she took her temperature and it was high
(and if it was one degree higher she would have to go see her oncologist. She is completely paranoid about anyone coming anywhere near her if they have any sign of illnes whatsoever which is natural for a person in the midst of chemotherapy, but it is to the point of exaggeration. Every person who approaches her she asks if they are ill.)

She was already pretty harsh and to the point and has seemed more so now in the midst of cancer. Again that is all pretty natrual but today it was really bad and I was inclined to just leave her be and relieve her of her mentor duties. She seemed more obligated than interested in really getting together, and I dont want that from anyone anymore not even her. I dont want to be a burden to people even if they are justifiably burdened by other things. I guess I just want to give to her and not make her feel like she has to give anything back. But I f-ed it all up.

When we left to go to my house I didn't take anything with me so after a short but HOT drive in her old car(she didnt want to walk in the heat), I realized in my alleyway that I didn't have my housekeys. I felt like such an idiot. Because that is SO me to forget important details like that but especially today I think I annoyed her so much that she literally closed her eyes in front of me for a few seconds as though trying not to snap at me. I remained much quieter than usual debating whether to tell her she didn't have to be with me if she wasn't up for it. But she decided it herself after she almost got sideswiped because of her fever messing with her awareness.

So she dropped me off at the office. When she stopped I started to open my door and she totally yelled at me to close it because she had wanted to get closer to the curb. When it was time to go, I pretty much just ran back to my desk and she is home for a nap now.

I feel like a failure. Because of all that and because I know this is not about me. But anyway, I can't shake that feeling.