So about that last post (and I know earlier I said I was up for posting my testimony, but that might just have to be a Reading Week project).....

those same feelings continue right now. Although today was actually a good day in that physically I felt much more energetic and mentally more positive and hopeful, as people seem to know me to be more often than not. BUT

- this first midterm here at Princeton on Friday in Church History is psyching me out
- I wish I could do all the reading but I know I can't
- As much as I like Bent Spoon, I often think it'd be so much easier if I didn't have to have a part-time job THEN I remember
- my sweet boyfriend is having all kinds of money worries and I should be so lucky to be in the situation I am in
- today is still an exception among many many days of all around uncontrollable exhaustion
- I am in a small group with some of the brightest, deepest girls on campus but I felt so incredibly claustrophobic tonight when they posited making it two hours instead of one. One more big block on my Outlook calendar feels like the last straw right now to me.
- I feel like a hypocrite in many areas. I demand constant sensitivity from others (receive it 90% of the time) and do not offer it very often anymore, it seems. I have big goals for things in this school like a group doing interracial dialogue, but I still get mad intimidated to sit down with my black friends in the cafeteria when they are at a table where I'll be the only white person. etcetcetc.
- I am being a really unfaithful friend in terms of keeping in touch.
- I want to make better use of my gifts of encouragement here like Geila does with little notes and anonymous gifts and stuff, but again...feels like there isn't time.
- I was reading Artists Way with my sister but had to give it up with her urging because it should be a blessing not just another thing.
- I feel unhealthy and I am trying but not as much as last year when I had more time and home cookin. I feel like I am regaining weight, feeling sluggish, looking gross.

SO if you're still with me after that long list of my anxieties, all that is to say, everything I COULD do feels really important and as is my perpetual problem, I just don't know what to cut out. Perhaps blogging? :)....
I don't know. Last night and tonight I freaked out a bit and cried and whined to Liam and Marcie and Sary because I just worry that if I can't handle seminary, I can't handle what comes after...my supposed calling. It feels terrible to think that but I can't get it out of my head. Liam says that struggling through seminary, especially the first couple months, does not prove that I won't be a great minister. And part of me believes him and the other part can't stop comparing to other people who really seem to be doing great.

We really do have these recurring battles in ourselves. I KNOW my mom has told me since I was 10 years old to let go of comparisons. I just feel like I can't. Maybe that's what I need to say more often every day while I'm here.
I can't do it all.
I can't do it on my own.
I am inadequate with my own strength.
My weaknesses overwhelm me.
I need grace because all the little things feel so big.