Checking Back In

I know it has been a really long time. I am not sure it won't be a long time after this post, but I felt inspired to try writing again after reading the blogs of a few friends and of Liam. I think I would always like to err on the side of transparency. Especially when things are hard. And they are hard. Actually, nothing is really that bad except one thing. I am finally starting to feel at home in myself with the idea of being a minister. My family as always is wonderful. My small group is in a very honest place. I am getting back into shape. Etc etc. But one of the absolute most important relationships to me has hit a gigantic bump in the road, and I just pray that we can handle the shock of it. I pray that very hard.

Things are not perfect and I am getting used to that too. I just really really want the opportunity to weather a storm with someone I love and come out on the other side. I want to learn not to quit. I want to love more maturely and fully. A devotional book that I am reading for Lent is also what my cell leader and supervisor are reading. Today the writer is Thomas Merton and he writes something that means a lot to me:

"Merely accepted, suffering does nothing for our souls except to harden them. Endurance alone is no consecration. ...to believe in suffering is pride, but to suffer, believing in God, is humility....thus, what we consecrate to God in suffering is not our suffering, but our selves."

But you know, this is the first Spring-like day this year. I walked over to Liam's room with flipflops!! That small fact is very nice and makes a big difference. I am also inspired by Liam's trying this new class, the capoeria class. It is so interesting and culturally rooted and just something to do that I never would have thought of. It makes me want to find a way, any way, to pick photography back up again. Technology I don't understand bothers the hell out of me and makes me feel incompetent, but I know I need to pursue those interests. Despite being busy. It is good to do these things for ourselves. I was talking to my friend Kim on Monday and saying how I think many other women are socialized to think that self-interest is selfish. And it isn't. The simplest life lessons take forever to learn.