.....oh and my x-bf has pictures of himself stripping for an auditorium full of people. awesome (or mildly traumatic. whichever) I wish I could block myself from others' websites sometimes. but hey...we know so little, we presume so much.
tonight felt a bit lonely after getting back from the trip. But I took a bath. I journaled. I went and talked for a bit with ashlee and khristi. Not all bad. I need to be ok being alone with myself. I need to know that I am good company. We're so afraid of solitude you know? So afraid of that pang of loneliness. But it passes. It does. At least that's what I keep telling myself until I believe it.
I do miss the stability though, of knowing that there is that person who chooses you and you choose them and every day means again that you have been chosen by another. This whole single and free thing, too many choices. It doesn't feel very free. Me, I think eventually I adventure and explore much more when I have that backbone of a relationship. That seems to be how I work. I am someone who wants to experience new things and get all that I can out of life. But I am a pretty simple person in terms of my desires, and I think all that life has to offer is both the positive and the negative. And I just want to walk that road with somebody. Somebody I respect and somebody who makes me laugh and somebody who is unapologetically themselves in every situation. For me it has always been the company more than the experience that makes life's moments great.
Which brings me back to my original point. I think what God is trying to speak into my life right now is that at least in this time and place, I am the company that matters most.
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