spiritual direction #2

I was not feeling very 'spiritual' this time. My body is discontent in so many ways. It has been forever since I have used it for anything that provided any strength or release of tension. I have not worked out in weeks. I have not had romantic physical affection in what feels like a long time. I never get the best rest. Getting enough sleep has never been a talent or discipline I possess :). I did not know where to find God lately amidst my body' discontent and the uproar of the busy holidays/finals season and the slights of other people.

My spiritual director asked me if there were any images that came to mind this time of where God is reaching out to me (as you may recall, I have been incorporating my photography more into my spirit's reflection). I thought about it and came up with these pictures of one of so many abandoned buildings on the campus of Trenton Psych. But yet they do not speak to me of God's presence. They epitomize my (unsuccessful) search for God's presence. They epitomize things left untended and overlooked for a long long time.






My director and I would talk a bit and then take moments of silence to reflect and I held these images with my sorrow for how hard it is to work with so many abandoned people; to want to abandon them too because they are just too sad and they remind me of my sadness that I want to keep at bay. I held these images and images of them, and I realized that the way I think (and overthink) has caught up with me once again. I default to doubt and do not put my energies into faith.

What if I went into these hard situations like the hospital and I worked off a deep assumption that of COURSE God is there? God being there, in places like that, is pretty much the essence of my faith. I do not need to search for God there. I only need to look back at God and encounter God.

I realized that I have been thinking of being there as "my work", and that what I DO is bring God to these people who may have no hope. But that puts a lot on me when what I really do, what my work really is, is to be present to the presence that is already there. God is not mine to bring or to give.

What I have needed of late is a new lens. To use metaphor that makes sense to me, it is as though I have been taking snapshots of my life lately with a camera that has a big, growing smudge on the lens. All the pictures come out dingy and dirty. But the reality is not. Perhaps the deepest, simplest way I can nourish my spirit is just to wipe the smudge and see newly and freshly. Perhaps that is my work, to be someone who sees beyond all the smudges in the world and into the unlikely reality of God at work where I can no longer work.