I really don't know how I feel right now. It's not bad. It's not melodramatic. It has becomes something much more slow and subtle. Like, for a portion of this semester, I felt slapped in the face over and over by my life. WHAM. BAM. Thank you ma'am. But lately, I am having a good time pretty often.

for instance: Today I slept in, saw Mystic River with Sean Bennis, came home and ate oreos and watched the Average Joe finale (which was total b.s. are you kidding me? who has the luxury of throwing away a perfectly thoughtful, successful, funny and eligible bachelor? that girl is out of her mind picking pretty boy jason) :) my roommates and I have found much comfort in becoming addicted to a ridiculous reality show. sick, huh? the things enior year wil do to your reasoning....anyway, a good day overall and a very chill one. So often lately I can sit back and look at the sun bounce off the whiteness of the snow or look at the moon bouncing off Philly's buildings and feel really peaceful, and think that hope is growing in my heart BUT

I feel left lacking still. I can't shake this waiting...do any of you know what I mean? I do not know what I am waiting for. Having hope is not the same as the feeling of waiting, and I'd really like to move on to true hope for what my future holds. Because I just feel like until I have that, I struggle more than I want to to just...live NOW. I do not want to be waiting for anything or anyone because after all, what is so dang wrong with my life right now? Truly, nothing. I wish my friends were banging down my door more telling me how much they care. I wish I still had love in my life to provide a cushion for this year and all my tentative plans. I wish I could have as many adventures as my sister. In my mind sometimes, there are so many things I want to change, but in reality, I know better. That's all there is to it. Now if I could just get my feelings to cooperate.

I think that there is nothing that ignores God better than a restless heart.