I'm sorry it's been a while. My life is feeling so full. I have struggled with feeling overwhelmed by it is full of so many good things and relationships. I am so content with the day-to-day dynamic I have lately, but one negative side of that is that it kind of provokes anxiety about committing to something different after graduation.

(SPEAKING OF WHICH: I had a startling realization a couple minutes ago that in exactly three months from now I will be a college grad. Nearly all of you reading this already are so this isnt earth shattering news to you. But to me these kinds of milestones really throw me. I can't explain it. I know they affect everyone, but I get really shaken up by them. I don't know how I feel about it.)

I have been visiting a few of the places I applied to, including a missionary school called World Impact and the current Mission Year team in Philly. I did not feel that light bulb moment of certainty about either place. I decided that World Impact definitely isn't in the cards for me, but I am still praying about M.Y. and a lot of other things on my plate. I would appreciate your prayers and guidance too, my friendly readers. I am terrible at making decisions, but really good at giving myself lots of choices :)! The concept of me making future decisions also still feels like a surreal reality, but the fog over my future IS starting to thin. Thus, my growing feelings of uneasyness. This is a time where I want to look back and know that I sought out God with all of my heart. I do not want to leave Him out of this. Either way, I have gained enough perspective to know that anything I choose will end up being worthwhile for me, so worry aside for now.

On my drive home from hanging out with Rhea and Shannon tonight I noticed that often I will just find myself smiling. Mid-smile I will notice and just noticing will make me continue smiling for no discernible reason. That is the strange part. I cannot pinpoint what thought must have occured to me or what I must have seen to bring about a subconscious burst of happiness. Tonight I was just driving and singing along to a Radiohead song, to which I do not know any of the words. I was just sort of humming with my mouth open :). Another reason I love driving by myself.

I have a lot of moments like that lately despite the crazy....eventfulness of my life sometimes. I am trying to go easy on myself. I want to be a simple person. But I just don't think that anytime soon I will become someone who doesn't cover her walls with posters, or doesnt pile up papers in big to-do piles, or doesnt have a hard time saying no to activities with friends even with lots and lots of work. I think the key to simplicity and peace for someone like me is all in the heart, in my response to all my clutter. I liked a quote by Anne Lamott in Bird by Bird:

“Clutter is wonderfully fertile ground---Tidiness suggests that something is as good as its going to get. Tidiness makes me think of held breath, of suspended animation...we need to make messes in order to find out who we are and why we are here."(p. 29)

At the same time, I do enjoy coming home to a hot bath, a good book, and cake.