Oh my God

1 suicide attempt
a 15 year old couple waiting to deliver their baby and watching Scooby DOo while they wait
1 old man whose heart failed three times whose huge family has to decide about end-of-life decisions
1 ultra religious man estranged from his family and his church for having killed one of daughters in an accident
1 ex-drug addict who refused painkillers for a fractured hand and lacerated head
1 17 year old drunk driver who did not want to see his parents
1 45 year old in need of a heart, lung AND kidney transplant
and the worst
1 20 year old Gun shot victim who died on the operating table after 3 hours on it under a team of trauma doctors. He has two kids, one of whom was just born. I was in the room when the doctors told three family members.

These are some of the things I attended to today on my superlong shift. I guess we can never fully prepare for what we're getting ourselves into when it comes to death and illness and violence. I wish I had more to say about it. Something profound or remotely good enough. But I don't know if I did then with those people so I certainly don't now at 4:30 in the morning. Maybe it is enough that I came back to my on-call room for the first time all night and cried my eyes out. Probably not.

Anyway, this gives you an idea. Encouragement from my ER nurse Aunt Louie came at just the right time. She knows how this goes. It is just so heart-wrenching. I would say after tonight that my job pretty much is just to accompany patients and loved ones in total helplessness.

And even still with all this terrible out of control shit, I still really know I belong here. Who'd have thought it?