dreams

So a certain someone's blog has me thinking about my dreams for myself and how they have evolved over the years, particularly in time at Princeton. I am such a deeply relational person that I admit that so many of my dreams have become intertwined with dreams of life with certain people in it, namely my long term boyfriend. Cutting him out of the picture makes me wonder whether the picture is still in tact and all that I have built it to be up till now. Keeping in line with my lists in this blog, here are some things I still want, that I can imagine myself doing. There are a lot:

*chaplain at an inner city hospital
*working with immigrants to the U.S.
*living in a city (preferably on the East Coast but I can't rule out what I don't know--I just like being within driving distance of my wonderful family)
*working for mental health awareness
*being a youth director and especially getting to know more great teenage ladies to remind them how wonderful they are if no one else tells them
*counseling victims of domestic violence and/or families in crisis
*pastoring a church half as weird as Circle :)
*being an artist in residence at a place like Wesley Theological Seminary to indulge in photo and connect it to my faith
*getting involved in local politics (i.e. School Board)
*living in community--I miss it so much that yesterday listening to Shane talk about it, it hurt. Made me want to get OUT of this enclave and share everything again, but this time go farther than I ever did at Sojourners
*really know my neighbors and have potlucks and game nights etc.
*get certified to teach yoga and/or pilates. Ever since Rhea did it, I was enamored by the possibility. I would need to be a lot more flexible! :)
*be a foster mother
*birth my own child
*lead anti-racism workshops, especially geared towards working with white privilege
*give up my car and join a car share OR better yet not be so scared to bike in traffic


GOSH it feels good to brainstorm those. Hard too. I don't imagine myself being alone for the rest of my life. I don't know if I am like Liam. I don't know if I have the courage to be open to that. Aaron Weiss talked about that yesterday, going beyond what we see as the only options into the broadness that is God's will working in our lives. I want to be open. I really do. But I know myself. God knows me. I have a lot to give to a relationship. All my gifts involve people, and I want to exercise them with friends and a beloved who genuinely challenges and inspires me. Good, hard, good, hard, good, hard life.

I think it is a risk factoring people into your plans. But I don't regret doing that. They have been worth it, even in the shittiest of shitty times. I just need to know what is really coming from me and where maybe I have compromised or let go of some things.

The truth of the matter is that one of the most disappointing things about this particular break-up is that life wise, we wanted so many of the same things. But hey, want the same things and don't want me....that's a dealbreaker for sure, right? (sigh.....)

An honest dream to add to that list is finding someone who is as utterly passionate about and transformed by me as I have been about my beloveds. And if that doesn't exist, my dream is that God's will would give me peace.