My sister has been here with me all week, and her company has been good, but at times I am afraid to be alone. Afraid to be alone with myself and with all this mess. I have not been very good at keeping my feelings to myself. Erin says my honesty and expressiveness is a gift and not a weakness. I don't know what I hope to accomplish by sharing at this point. I want to write on here and expel all my toxic feelings through a semi-creative outpouring, but the last few days I feel like there is so MUCH I could say that there is nothing to say.
I am constantly bombarded with thoughts that vary from the "please come back to me. Aren't we worth it variety" to the intensely angry variety. Constantly. And everything in between. Can you imagine trying to read about a Hmong immigrant family or write a paper about solution focused therapy or carry on a decent conversation or be functional AT ALL with such thoughts?
I can't either. But...slowly but surely it's somehow happening. Because it has to. I have to believe my efforts make a difference somewhere in my life, even if it's not here.
I have to believe these thoughts will even out. And part of me has to believe still to a certain extent, in the back corners of my mind that I am trying to ignore, that regret may begin to gnaw away at Liam and his vision of the future will no longer be cloudy but clear. I have to believe these things because, despite how much this situation has thrown my already fragile ego into upheaval, I still believe I have something very special to offer, specifically to offer you.
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