This Fall, I have hurt a few people's feelings. Men in particular. I have decided after very little initial time getting to know them that I am just not interested and need to end the romantic piece of the relationship ASAP.
Why?
Because I am scared of getting hurt again?
I thought it was that, but now I'm not so sure.
My friend Kathy said something very meaningful to me a few days ago. It seems like nowadays, you have to answer for why you want to be single; explain it; justify yourself since it is obviously the least satisfactory stage in the world of relationships to occupy....but maybe not.
Why is it not more reasonable to have to justify being in a relationship or taking it to the next level? Being single, especially at my age and time in life, seems like the most rational thing in the world. And all the more if I enjoy it the majority of the time! I know I won't enjoy it forever and so I am trusting in how I feel NOW (this all feels very repetitive as a theme for the last few months, but that only proves this blog is more significant as reflection for me than as advice or inspiration for you---sorry about that---that's what the pretty pictures are for) :).
Back to the men/boys...whatever they are now.
A few times now I HAVE had to justify myself in my desire to be single. Because perfectly attractive, kind, sweet guys show an interest, and I must be crazy not to jump at the chance. Especially when they seem to really admire me and like me and be attracted to me.
BUT
I think I am growing because deep feelings about ME are not as compelling anymore. I have been blessed to have a handful of men who fell in love hard and fast with me. And those didn't last, so as I think about it, maybe what drove them to those feelings was not really completely about me.
Maybe I have found a way in the past of succumbing to the temptation to be with men who want to be with someone; who have come to realize that they really need an anchor or a companion; that something is missing in their life. But how picky are they with who they choose to fill that void? Is it someone who is really truly right for them and do they take the time to discern that?
Do I?
Or do I get lost in waves of emotions and the wonderful feeling of being adored over and above the actual person and all their sacred little details that I have yet to learn?
That said, now what I am looking for is someone who does like me a whole lot, yes, but who knows that if we are right, feelings only grow and deepen over time. They do not start like flames from a rocket and then fade like smoke into the air. Getting to know someone is a lifelong endeavor, and I want to be more impressed by persistent and grounded committment to that effort than I am by lovey-dovey shows of affection. Those will feel most real to me AFTER
you have brought me tampons
and learned the names of my family
and had a knock down drag out fight(s) with me
and sat while I cried without discomfort
and remembered that I never eat the last little bit of my scrambled eggs because they just look gross.
SO
Time and energy spent on building relationships make all the difference in real romance for me now,
and I am worth that time and energy,
and so are you,
and that, my friends,
is a massive realization.
5 comments:
It is indeed. A massive realization. And I don't think you are repeating yourself. You consistently inspire me.
Love Sary
It is indeed. A massive realization. And I don't think you are repeating yourself. You consistently inspire me.
Love Sary
this is beautiful, jessie. and a deep encouragement.
peace,
becca
Your friends and your family, Jess, are all so lucky. Relationships do indeed take time to develop and grow. Few people dig below the superficial nature of their day-to-day interactions, but you -- you! -- make us all feel special and so very loved. That's why your eventual partner in life will feel blessed to have found you. I love you!
Mom
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