....so interesting how a rejection from a job or a patient not wanting to talk to me or a fight with my sister can all seem totally manageable, but for me, issues in the romantic sphere of my life send me plummeting into a depressed and vulnerable place. I have been trying to be a bit more stoic, resolved and strong this time around, especially since the relationship was so very short compared to the others. But the older I get, the more these kinds of setbacks and disappointments sting in a place that was barely starting to heal.
And my poor friends have to bear the brunt of it. I wish I had their faith and confidence in the future sometimes. Yet some like Kim make me see that it may not be innate. We choose moment to moment whether or not we are going to let faith or fear rule the day and influence everything else. And in moments like this one, right now, paralyzed by a lot of unanswered questions and resentments and hurts and fears, I feel too weak to make that choice.
But I'm not. I'm not too weak. No one is. Part of my belief system really does say that we can all choose faith. And faith does not always get to have any evidence. I am preaching next Sunday at TPH on "doubting Thomas" (I hate that name for him) and on the fact that he had to wait a week to stick his hands in Jesus' wounds, in person, in the flesh. He had to wait a week to hear Jesus tell him in person to stop doubting and start believing. What was that week like for him? We don't hear about that. We hear about the milestones in most people's lives and not about the waiting periods in between. But God is in those too. I do believe that. I just don't feel it right now.
But I've been here before. These kinds of setbacks don't ever last forever.
1 comment:
I know how you feel...I know how you feel.
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