I don't recognize myself lately.
I am more reactionary, stressed out and negative than I can ever remember being. I have ideas about who to blame but it isn't about blame. I am responsible for how I act and how I tend to my spirit and I am not doing it because I have been just a hot mess on and off lately. Today I have to cover for someone on front desk phones and I keep crying. Yikes. Just one embarrasing thing after another. I don't really have the ability in recent weeks to maintain much professionalism. Crying at the front desk in the lobby isn't the most marketable skill, is it? Damn. I used to be so energetic and resilient and absolutely nothing could keep me down. Even my sister now notices this change. So what happened? I mean shoot my life is really good in all areas. What is my problem?
Mostly this comes from putting in a good 30 hours a week dedicated to promoting and publicizing this benefit concert that Sojourners is planning for June 3rd. I have called newspapers, churches, restaurants, radio stations etc and have drafted flyers, emails, postcards and we have sold TWO tickets. We are budgeting for 500 and we have sold two and you'll never guess who bought them...it's just too embarrassing for words. My parents. No other tickets sold and I don't know what else to do. Sojourners chose a totally obscure musician and charged WAY too much. Yet I am still the one in charge so because of this, I feel a) helpless and b) like I am failing in my first job.
This seems to be a repetitive complaint of mine this year and this blog seems progressively whiny doesn't it? So you see what I meant at the beginning of this post. I am really really sorry to come on here like a dark cloud in your day. I just want to feel like I can do a good job at something and like I can stand up against trouble without crying at the front desk. So, prayers. Thanks people. Love to you. Less depressing updates forthcoming. Here's a preview:
a) I love Liam
b) My sister is graduating
c) This weekend is the second Doing Our Own Work Anti-Racism Seminar
d) It will be above 70 every day next week.
So there is still some optimism left. Don't you worry.
2 comments:
Even when you're crying, you are my sunshine! Ya know, you're in a "holding pattern" right now, Jess, finishing out something which has been good but you've squeezed out most of the good stuff, and waiting impatiently for your next excellent adventure. Don't let the holding pattern defeat you. Accomplish what you can but don't beat yourself up if everything doesn't turn out as you wish. Failures are the best teachers. And with those words of wisdom from the older generation ... with endless and unconditional love, Your Mom
Jess keep your head up.. failure sucks but it is part of life. damn I feel like when you were a freshman i used to tell well that is nice but this is how life really is.. anyway, hope all is well you are in my prayers
josh
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