alongside me

Liam has opted not to work through his thoughts on his blog or in these public spaces. I respect that, but right now, I need to feel like I can put myself out there and be held, even over cyberspace. I need to feel like I am connecting and not diminishing. So I hope that is ok. I hope I will be able to reflect well and not simply vent melodramatically. I want transparency without selfishness. I WANT people, including Liam, to know what I am thinking without feeling brought down by me.

I have been buffered by a wave of calls and emails and support during this time. It is almost enough to get me through. :) Almost...

I am learning how to ask for what I really need, and it is hard to ask for. What I really need right now most often is to be around people, and not HAVE to talk. I need to remember that I am not alone. I know that God should be enough for me to realize that, but the fact is right now, that that isn't enough. I am missing someBODY. I am missing physical arms and an audible voice, and what I need is arms and voices of real people alongside me. I need to know that people will still want to be with me and around me even though I am very sad. And I have gotten a good bit of that. I know how hard it is to not know what to say or do, to feel helpless and want so badly to help. So I appreciate everything.

And in particular, Kim Copeland has been Jesus to me in the last 24 hours. I called her last night during a particularly bad moment and without even saying hello, she said "come spend the night at my house. I'm on my way to pick you up". She gave me wine and ice cream and let me sit and watch TV and talk to her when I was ready and made me a bed on the couch and a smoothie this morning. She even prayed for me before I went to sleep. I don't remember ever receiving such tangible, simple comfort. It teaches me a lot about pastoral care, since I have been thinking about that a lot this year, really ever since CPE.

The reigning opinion has been to focus on me during this time. No matter what I hope for, no matter what I worry about, no matter what I wonder about in someone else. I have gotten to the point in my life lately where that phrase almost makes no sense. I don't know what it means to "focus on me". Christianity really has drilled a crippling selflessness into me, and it will take some time and prayer to root that out. I am rethinking who I am and what my plans are standing on their own, and trying to untangle them from this other person. I had no idea how tangled up they were.

This is good for me in its way, but scary too, of course. As Rod put it last night, Jesus is riding right into the middle of my mess and my fear, and the most fearless act I can engage in right now is join in with the waving of palms to welcome him in.