In my last entry, I wrote a cryptic statement intended to be vague and open-ended and I resolved not to do that so much with these online journals anymore. I should clarify what I say or not say it at all. I should not take jabs at people over the internet. In fact, I wrote

'getting over someone versus avoiding them. interesting idea....'

I was talking about me. Am I living in denial and busying myself and distracting myself with some contingent hope for what it will get me down the road if I am just patient and emotionally stable enough? Am I just kidding myself that I am giving this whole break-up process a chance? The only person I can really truly analyze right now is me. I know me and my thoughts and that is all that I can work with. Grace is not about promises and feelings and making deals with God. I am trying to know God better just to know God better right now, and for no other reason. Not for what He can give me. And not assuming that our relationship be the same it has always been. Because I am changing all the time. God knows that, and I need to know that too. I'm just trying to be realistic about what is real and changeable and hopeful in my world right now.