Today was the first time in a while that as I walked around Eastern, I really thought back. I sat on the bench where my mom and I decided Eastern was where I was going. A surprising, but truly spontaneous decision. (After months of calculating pros and cons of other schools--funny how that works). I just sat there for a while and looked around. It was really quiet. The water in the pond was not green and it was moving and it looked prettier than I even remember. No one was around. It was kind of eerie, but it contributed all the more to my mind moving towards memories. I thought about one of my most hard and memorable talks with Josh Gill on the path walking from Gatehouse towards the gym. I thought about sitting with Sarah Landis on one of the benches outside Doane reading in the sun and being grossed out at some kid who jumped into the previously toxic Walton pond. I remembered walking out on that pond when it was really frozen deep last Winter and trying to hide from a Security van. I remembered whole groups of people coming out on nice days and napping together on Kea hill or walking to a meal together and coming back to Simpsons. I remembered watching my friends graduate and I imagined what it would feel like to be graduating. I could not have imagined it when I was sitting there watching them do it.........

I can't say those things make me feel sad or nostalgic anymore. Those arent the right words, not quite. Those times feel far away, but they are what I will remember. Because this year I am more disconnected. And that is cool. I am getting used to it and seeing how it is pretty much that way for all seniors, especially commuters on a primarily freshman campus. I had my fantastic first two years, and now everything I do there is pretty much pervaded by this feeling of being on my way out.

I have such a hard time accepting change. I have known that about myself for a long time. People and experiences become such beloved habits for me. Try to take them away, and my temptation is to kick and scream a bit. The withdrawl feels so painful at first. But I guess new habits are always forming. My life is so different right now than it was three years ago, just in each day and in my expectations. I am getting used to the way things are. I can't say I like it yet, but I don't dislike it either. Probably because senior year is one of those times that truly deserves the whole 'already, but not yet' mentality. I just don't want to live like I am waiting for something. Because waiting wastes a lot of time and a lot of living.


"This is what the Lord says, He who made the earth, who formed and established it--the Lord is His name: 'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things that you do not know' ".
(Jeremiah 33:2-3)