i plan to post about my wonderful weekend in the Outer Banks with the Goldbeck ladies in another entry.

right now, I just need to say again that I need my friends right now. I am serious. I miss you and I love you and I need you right now. I made someone I love most in this world, my own mother, cry tonight because she felt so helpless to make me feel better. That breaks my heart, but also lifts me up that she cares just that much. Seeing your own parent cry is a sacred moment. And I can promise you that none of you will really do much better lifting me out of this as this situation continues. But I admit I still need you to try, ok?
Because I feel like I am not really making much progress here, and the only new thing is that I am beginning to really really get angry. Not at my friends. At my situation. At the guy I love. ...Maybe anger is just another way of protecting myself, but its there. With my thin skin, it is all I can do not to crawl into a shell for the next few months and crawl back out when it is time to turn the clocks forward and I am magically over everything.

I want to be able to get back to the point of contemplating my faith and my life and my future and connecting more with my friends on their level. I am sorry if I have been self-centered. I don't know how long this whole process is going to take and I dont want to rush it. I do want to get back to being myself again. And I do want two-way relationships in my life. I just need to not feel so scared and frustrated with every step I take and I think I'll be getting somewhere.